I’ve just spent a few days at my brother-in-law’s cottage. Calling it a cottage doesn’t really do it the justice that it requires for me because it is more like a resort and a perfect retreat. The weather was great, the food was excellent and the company was unbeatable. I totally forgot about any work issues, family issues or my day to day self-blaming and regrets.
But alas, now I am back in reality. There’s no food in the fridge and lots of laundry in the laundry room! See how life goes on…even if you want to check out for awhile. That is also what I found so unbelievable right after Ryan died. I would look at myself in the mirror and still look like me. I resented the fact that I had to comb my hair and brush my teeth. Actually, I stopped wearing earrings the day of the funeral and have not worn any since. All of those little things that we humans do, don’t make sense to me yet. Maybe they will someday because I now put nail polish on my toes, and how foolish is that!
Losing your child makes you want to give up and just stop. And to make everyone else stop the madness. You know what is truly important and that’s what you want. It’s spending time with those closest to you and experiencing all of the things that make you feel alive and real. Listening to the birds outside and planting a flower and watching it grow. There is still life out there and I have no choice but to participate. It is up to me how I do it. There are still times where I want to check out and just vegetate but somehow something makes me keep going and trying to feel better. Is it God? If it is, he speaks to me through my family and especially my boys. And it’s not by them saying, “I love you mom, you’re the best.” It’s usually by them saying, “Mom, where’s my clean jeans? Can you give me a ride? What’s for supper?”
Those are the things that keep me alive.