Today I return to my job after my wonderful vacation of a week! The sun is shining and it is going to be a beautiful day, no matter what happens during the day, the sun is still shining! Of course that can change too, at any time in this area.
On my healing journey, I have found that routine is good. I really need a routine to keep me grounded. It’s when that routine gets mixed up that I struggle, so I always try to have some kind of routine. I am fortunate that I love my job. Yes, I might complain about it now and then, but really, I do love it. That is the important thing. I have had jobs in the past that I hated going to every day and that makes life miserable, even if you’re not going through a personal struggle. I tell my sons, that the crucial reason to get an education, is to be able to have employment that you love and value. That makes life make more sense.
Last night I slept like a baby, right through the night and I also appreciate that. I have many nights where I still dream of Ryan or I wake up and have insomnia. So, when I sleep through the night, it seems like a little miracle. But then, the guilt hits. Am I forgetting Ryan? My greatest fear when he died was that I would some day forget his smile or the sound of his voice. It is almost five years later and those images and sounds are still vivid in my memory, so I don’t think that will ever happen.
The traumatic way in which Ryan died is what keeps me awake at night or gives me the nightmares. Post traumatic stress disorder, I believe is the term. And that is a big one to deal with. But, I can see progress, definitely, just in sleeping patterns.
I used to wonder how survivors of wars and of the great holocaust could go on and live a “normal” life. I do not compare my situation to theirs in any way but I have a little bit of a glimpse into what they go through. I have learned that you can heal some things, but mostly, you learn to live with things. Your life is different. It is a continual journey of healing and sometimes of just coping.
Having said that, however, for me, I notice the little changes in the way I feel and I can see the light ahead. It is a journey that takes a life time.