Facing Fears

Out of the Darkness 2011

I’m afraid of the spiders that live in the Out-house. They might crawl up from down below and crawl into somewhere I don’t want them to be, (you know what I mean), or they might swing down from above and land on my head. I am basically at their mercy when I’m sitting in the biffy. I’m not sure if I’m afraid of a bite because I’m not afraid of mosquito bites or fly bites. I think I am afraid of their creepiness. It creeps me out that they have eight legs and can run like hell and also spin a web from which they can swing from like Tarzan.

I don’t hate spiders; they have their good qualities, as we all know. They eat bugs, which is good but it is also creepy. I’ve seen a spider try to eat a huge dragon fly that was caught in its web. How scary is that! Of course, I freed the dragon fly. I love dragon flies.

My greatest fear has always been to lose a child; for one or all of my children to die. I first felt that fear inside me the day that my first child, Ryan, was born and it will stay, I think, with me until I die. When Ryan died, my greatest fear was realized and I wasn’t sure what would happen to me. I did not want to go on living. I had no choice, but to go on because I had other young children to look after. So for me, it’s a continual search of ways to help me go on while I am still on planet Earth. And I know that Ryan does not want me to be unhappy and disconnected. My greatest fear came true and I am surviving! It can be done! There is no perfect way to do it, I just keeping going and looking and searching and seeking. That keeps me busy. If I’m busy then I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. This fear does affect my life and my surviving children’s lives because I am so afraid to lose another child, now that I know the pain intimately, that I worry more which causes a lot of sleepless nights for me and annoying phone calls to my boys from their mom asking them where they are and what they’re doing. (Wow that was a long run-on sentence). I’m working on this though; obviously I can’t be phoning them for the rest of their lives to make sure they’re in bed safe at night. That would be weird and they would probably get unlisted phone numbers.

This summer has been a test for me because William is a fire fighter and we have had an extremely busy forest fire season. He is away for two weeks at a time and I can’t phone him. I didn’t sleep the first night he was gone on his first trip but it has gotten easier. I didn’t freak out when he told me that his camp site was totally destroyed by the fire and he and his crew were air lifted out of there. I think I am learning to give over to the universe what I have no control over. I see progress.

Other silly fears have left me since Ryan died. I am no longer afraid of making mistakes or taking chances. I’m not afraid of saying what I believe and speaking up for myself and my beliefs. I’m no longer afraid of making an ass of myself for a good cause, or of laughing, dancing and singing in public (most of the time).

I’m no longer afraid to tell those I love that I love them.

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