Everyone needs to get away from it all every now and then. This past long weekend, my hubby and I took off out-of-town for a couple of days just to be away. Now, living in a small town doesn’t have the hectic pace that cities have; the crowds of people, the cars and the endless sirens, but it does have its own business. It can sometimes feel like you’re living in a fish bowl, swimming around in circles with everyone watching what you do. If you live in a small town, you know exactly what I mean. It’s great to just go away somewhere, where nobody knows you or cares what you do.
When Ryan died, I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that he had taken his life. I couldn’t believe that he had been using drugs. Every time I stepped out my front door, which happens to be right on the main street, I felt like people were looking at me and talking about me. And I’m sure they were. I know what the gossip is like. It was so hard for me just to go and get groceries or check my mail. Getting away for a weekend now and then became a life saver for me until I was strong enough to face people and life again.
For quite a few months, I also could not sleep. Night was the worst time for me. I would lay in bed and have terrible visions of what had happened and I still could not believe that I would never see my son again. I’ve mentioned before, that my body was always so stressed that when I would start to drift off to sleep, it would jerk awake. The only way that I could relax and fall asleep was to be touching someone next to me (who was usually Rick and later the dog too). But, when we went out-of-town and stayed in a hotel, I had the best sleeps. I think it was because at home, I wasn’t constantly surrounded by Ryan and his stuff. Our house was full of Ryan’s stuff. All of his belongings had been brought over from his apartment and put in our basement. I had to walk by it all the time. In a strange hotel and in a strange place, I wasn’t constantly reminded of what had happened and it helped me. At the same time, I wanted to be with Ryan’s stuff because it made me feel closer to him.
Our town is at the end of the highway. We’re in our own little world over here. Sometimes you just get cabin fever and need to get out. It’s good for the soul. It definitely rejuvenates it. When I return from a trip, the first thing I do is walk out onto my deck and look at the lake and soak it all in. Ahhh, good to be home!