Thank God Thanksgiving is Over

Another Thanksgiving turkey dinner over and done here in Canada.  It comes and goes with mixed feelings for me.  I try to be thankful for all that I have but at the same time I’m still a little pissed off over what I don’t have – my son.  Yes, I am fortunate that I do have 3 awesome boys and they are my life, but there is still one missing.  I totally understand why parents who have lost their only child or children don’t celebrate the holidays.  It’s damn hard.  But, I keep trying to go on with life so I choose to go through the routines and traditions and make new traditions as I go.  It beats the alternative of closing the blinds, drinking wine and crying in a corner.  And this year was a little better than last year.  There is progress.  I remember the first Thanksgiving after Ryan died, it was the worst feeling, trying to be part of a family dinner and not cry.  Because Ryan died in September, I was still numb in October and still really angry.  I have to be thankful that my family put up with me!

I do know that I have a lot to be thankful for and I live my days differently now.  Life is fragile and precious and I try to accomplish something each day that makes me feel like I’m here breathing and living.  Sounds weird, I know, but for those who are grieving, you know what I mean. 

I most enjoy, as I’ve said before, being in the outdoors.  The smell and feel of the earth and the air makes me feel alive and real; like I exist.  The leaves are falling off the trees now.  Their time is over and they have to die to make life for next year.  It’s a time of renewal.  Soon the ground will be covered with snow, making everything white and bright.

And I’ll be soon grumbling about Christmas!!

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