Another Thanksgiving turkey dinner over and done here in Canada. It comes and goes with mixed feelings for me. I try to be thankful for all that I have but at the same time I’m still a little pissed off over what I don’t have – my son. Yes, I am fortunate that I do have 3 awesome boys and they are my life, but there is still one missing. I totally understand why parents who have lost their only child or children don’t celebrate the holidays. It’s damn hard. But, I keep trying to go on with life so I choose to go through the routines and traditions and make new traditions as I go. It beats the alternative of closing the blinds, drinking wine and crying in a corner. And this year was a little better than last year. There is progress. I remember the first Thanksgiving after Ryan died, it was the worst feeling, trying to be part of a family dinner and not cry. Because Ryan died in September, I was still numb in October and still really angry. I have to be thankful that my family put up with me!
I do know that I have a lot to be thankful for and I live my days differently now. Life is fragile and precious and I try to accomplish something each day that makes me feel like I’m here breathing and living. Sounds weird, I know, but for those who are grieving, you know what I mean.
I most enjoy, as I’ve said before, being in the outdoors. The smell and feel of the earth and the air makes me feel alive and real; like I exist. The leaves are falling off the trees now. Their time is over and they have to die to make life for next year. It’s a time of renewal. Soon the ground will be covered with snow, making everything white and bright.
And I’ll be soon grumbling about Christmas!!