It’s easy to be happy when everything is going your way; if you have a job you enjoy, your kids are doing good in school, you have friends, you’re healthy and are planning a winter vacation. Do you appreciate it when things are going good? How do you cope when something bad happens? Is it your faith in something greater? Is it a bottle of beer?
Life is all about unpredictability. There will be an end to our existence but we don’t usually know when that will be. We live day-to-day pretending that bad things don’t happen and that we will live forever. We have to do that, I think, in order to function. When you’ve been exposed to death and the bad things in the world it does change your view of life. It makes you question everything you’ve ever believed which could be a good thing or a bad thing in itself.
When Ryan died, I felt like I had been thrown off of a moving train and had rolled down a hill and landed in a strange field. Everything around me was unfamiliar and I didn’t know how to stand up and find my footing. I had prayed every day for the health and safety of my children. And God had allowed one to die…and by suicide! Therefore there couldn’t be a God because that would be the cruelest thing He could ever do to someone. I was abandoned and alone in that field.
I couldn’t just lie there, though, close my eyes and fade away into the earth, as much as I wanted to. I was forced to get up and try to walk by those around me who needed me. It didn’t happen right away. Nope, I got up, fell down, got up, fell down and many times rolled around kicking and screaming at the God who wasn’t there. Yep, still do sometimes. I am learning to live in this new world and it is a constant search and rescue mission for my soul.
I do see God again, and not sure how that happened, but when I look out of my window at the water, and walk in the forest..I see a Creator. I don’t feel so all alone anymore. It’s still an ongoing journey and I don’t know where it will lead.