The broken

My mind wanders and fades off into the night

darkness overtakes me and I scream silently

please bring it back to the daylight

to the walls, the windows, the ceiling above me

I am still here, I am still real

yet I am still in this pain

that I cannot escape

my mind it wanders and drifts off into a sea

cold water, heavy water overtakes me

and I cannot scream

please bring it back to the land

the rocks, the trees, the clouds above me

I am still here, I am still real

I can feel me

I can feel my pain

a heart broken, taped together

to keep on beating

another breath

 

 

What is after?

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Is there a  world for us

after we leave this one that we know?

One where  you’re waiting for me

to hold you again; I pray that there is

And what is that world like?

Is there chocolate? pizza? or lemon meringue pie?

Does the grass grow green and the sun shine?

 

Will the birds there fly with us?

There must be birds there

because they have wings

Would we have wings too?

Would there be angels there with wings?

That would play harps to soothe us to sleep

 

Is there life after this?

Where there would be no pain; just love

Where we could sit on a beach

and watch the waves gently meet the shore

and see the whales breech and the dolphins

laugh and spin, inviting us to join in

 

Separate we are now

Will we be together again?

Where I can feel all that I felt

When first I held you in my arms?

Where the sun shines, the birds sing

and the wind gently whispers your name

 

A little prayer goes a long way

Since I started praying things have been happening. Can’t explain it, other than the praying. It does take practice and commitment and a reminder to myself to slow down and say a little prayer. I’ve tried so many things to heal myself of the pain and loss of losing my son to suicide. Didn’t feel God for so long. Really believed He didn’t exist. So I started praying to Him. Nothing loud and drastic happened. Didn’t hear a voice from above. But I did hear a whisper. I did feel like He was listening.

When I’m alone I pray out loud, well it’s talking really, to someone I believe is listening. I used to talk to my dog or talk to my family members in Heaven, now I talk straight to God, most of the time. I still talk to my family, of course.

So what has happened? Nothing major that anyone else would notice. But I know. I’m seeing miracles all around me that I never would have noticed before. The most incredible miracle is me. I feel different. Since I started praying for faith, I have been feeling better because my faith is stronger. It is still a work in progress but I love the feeling that I have inside. Haven’t felt this free since Ryan died.  I am making steps in the right direction. The upward direction. And I’m going to keep trying.

I pray for peace in my soul.

I pray for faith in God.

I pray for patience.

I pray for love.

I Pray for kindness.

I pray for forgiveness.

I pray to be filled up with good stuff and I pray for the bad stuff to be removed.

Amen.

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Taking suicide personally

Someone dies. By suicide. By their own hand. By their own choice. We blame ourselves. We take it personally. That’s the really hard part in being left behind by suicide.

That person was in pain. The pain was in their mind. They saw no other way to stop the pain. That was all consuming.

But for us left behind, the pain just begins as we struggle to understand. It’s too late for us to respond. Too late. And we have to go on. It isn’t all about us.

God knows. He was there.

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How could I go on? It’s a Miracle.

And here I am still alive 12 years later. How? How did that happen? Well it wasn’t easy. It was messy and blundering and screwing up and giving up and then trudging along.

My oldest son, Ryan, died by suicide when he was 21 years young. September 21, 2006. Life changing for the rest of us in his family left behind. Yep, for sure. But I found out that you can’t always just give up, crawl in a hole and fade away to nothing. Nope, you have responsibilities; surviving children, family, a job, a house. You’re forced to go on. That’s good. I plodded on because of my three boys. The twins, Andy and Ben, had just turned 11 and William was 14, just starting High School.

I’ve been told I’m strong, I’m resilient, but really I’m just trying. That’s all you can do, is try. You might not be great, you might not be with it all the time but you’re trying. Like Pink says, “Try, try, try”. I think I’ve tried a lot of things. It’s been 12 years of searching and trying to find something that helps. Trying to find reasons for something with no reason. Trying to find answers to questions that couldn’t have answers. And most of all for me, trying to find God.

I felt that God left me that day. It was instant. An emptiness. A vacuum.

I have spent years trying to find God again.

He was there all the time?

He was with me in my anger, in my confusion, in my feelings of abandonment, in my guilt, in my walk through the valley of death?

It sure didn’t feel like it, but looking back it is amazing that my family has managed to somehow survive and go on, not perfectly and not unscathed, but we have united together to continue our lives and to help others and to remember Ryan.

I was searching in the wrong places for God, for answers. It’s part of the grieving process with suicides, I’ve read, to lose your faith and I think that if you don’t have a strong foundation of belief to begin with then you have nothing to help you begin your search. I don’t know why I had to go through all of that. But I did and so have others.

Then happened the miracle.

One day, I picked up the Bible and began reading it again. After all, what did I have to lose?

And it made sense. I kept reading. I looked up at the sky, again, for the millionth time and I prayed for a closeness. I prayed to feel God. And I did. Can’t explain it. Maybe it was just the timing, maybe I was ready, I don’t know and I can’t explain it, but to me it was a miracle. I felt such a sense of peace. I hadn’t felt so calm and peaceful since Ryan died. I felt that God was there.

All I can say is that I feel like a miracle has happened in my life. I feel healing for the first time. It feels good and I’m going with that.

I miss you Ryan and always will. You will always be my baby. I know you’re okay.

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Visit with Ryan

It’s peaceful here today. Spring has arrived. The snow is melting. I come to visit my family and friends. I visit my son. It is a place of quietness where I can talk to him. Even though I talk to him all the time wherever I am. It’s different here for some reason. It may be because of all those who lay nearby. Maybe it’s the finality of death here, the reality of it.

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A Book of Prayers; My Psalms

I’ve shared before how I lost my faith and belief in a God when my son died and the struggles I’ve had to find a belief again. Prayer has always been an important part of my life, as it should because prayer is what makes me feel like I’m not all alone in this world.

My prayers have changed because of my experiences and I pray differently or think differently about prayer. I still think prayer should be simple and from the heart; just talking to God, the Creator. I think now, that prayer is more for me than it is for God. It is something that I need.

Since I’ve recently read through the Book of Psalms which of course I love because it is poetry, I decided to write my own book of prayers. It is my prayer journal where I write down prayers about anything and everything. There are no rules, except I don’t pray for things. I once went to a church where the minister prayed for a new piano. I just don’t like that kind of prayer, even though I understand what he was saying. The church needed a new piano. I would pray for wisdom to solve the problem of getting a new piano and understanding and patience.

I prayed all the way, in a car, from my house to my son’s house, on that day in September of 2006, that my son was alive. “Lord, please don’t let this be true. Please don’t take my son from me. Please let him be alive…” And because that prayer was not answered my way, my world changed. I understand that this happens to those of us who have experienced a traumatic life altering event. If you haven’t experienced this you won’t know what I’m talking about, but, it is the worst thing that happens to you in a tragic death. You are left feeling alone.

Here are a couple of my prayers, in case you too, want to try this. Pray about anything. They don’t have to poetry. They don’t have to rhyme. God doesn’t care about spelling or grammar.  Our Creator cares about our hearts and happiness. Prayer can help.

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Healing with the Earth

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When Ryan died I was in a Godless vacuum. I was alone. I felt totally abandoned. It was a hell. It has taken a lot of work to find peace in my life once again.

It is the beginning of a long weekend here in Canada and many people will be out enjoying the beautiful area that we live in.  I look forward to starting my little flower garden and filling my flower pots with flowers and vegetables. And watching them grow! This is one thing that makes me feel good.

Touching the earth and the water brings God to me.

Put your hand in the soil, caress a stone, some grass and dip your fingers into the cool waters of a river, a lake or an ocean. Can you feel God?

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Suicide – what is it?

That word is the word I couldn’t say for months after my son was found dead in his apartment. I physically couldn’t say it. My mouth could not get the sounds out. Eventually, I was able to say it but it was still such a bad, horrible, scary word to me. Ryan would not have done “that”!!! It was an unbelievable thought.

Over the past ten years since his death, I have read a lot, talked to a lot of people and learned a lot about suicide. I still don’t know anything. Suicide seems to mean different things to people. I have come to live with it as a part of my life.

We are trying to decrease the stigma of suicide. We now use different vocabulary and it is always changing as well. People do not commit suicide, they die by suicide. I like that. It takes the crime out of it. I really do not think of my son as having committed a crime but as having tried to end the pain he was in at that time.

People think about suicide for so many different reasons that there should be different words for different reasons. (I think). There are some who are depressed or have had somethings happen in their lives that have made a change and don’t want to live anymore and plan their deaths; some who are angry or sad in the moment, most often under the influence of drugs or alcohol and end their lives and there are those who are ill and want doctor’s help to end their lives.

I truly believe that if my son had told someone about his thoughts, his drug use that he would have lived; that he wanted to live. That is why I believe in talking about suicide in the hopes of others talking about it as well. I don’t have answers but I am always open to talking and sharing my story as a mom who has been left behind by suicide. I have also had suicidal thoughts due to the trauma, so I know what that is like as well. It is scary when thoughts come into your head without your control.

There has been much discussion on the new Netflix series 13 Reasons Why. I cannot comment on that because I have not watched the series and I won’t be watching it. There are still some things I can’t watch. But I am happy that it has brought a lot of discussion on suicide to the media. I have learned that talking about suicide doesn’t cause suicide.