Another birthday lost

Ryan, you would have been 39 today! What would life have been like? So many questions, so many regrets, so many if onlys.

You left an empty space.

It can’t be filled. No matter what I do. It will still be there; a hollow spot in my heart. And why would I want to fill it. It was filled with my child. You are irreplaceable and that’s how it should be. It’s filling the jagged edges around the hole that is required. Softening the cuts so that I can breathe. What a task that is. It won’t end until I am gone from this earth but at least now almost 17 years after your departure, I can smile, laugh, feel the wind on my face, the water in my hand and the earth beneath my feet. I can feel that I am still alive and on this earth. I know you would want that.

For some reason, I am here. I feel God with me. I don’t feel alone.

I will miss and love you always Ryan.

Ryan, July 2006

7 Years at the Lodge

That is how long mom has been in long term care. She is now 91 years old and recently has become wheelchair bound for most of the time. Her dementia marches on but for the most part, when I visit, she is in a calm and good mood. Total confused? Yes. Sometimes she doesn’t know who I am but it will come to her eventually. And sometimes she is sad, reminiscing about her past and wondering where everyone is.

I have begun the process of sorting clothes and belongings and bringing things home that she no longer needs or uses or can access. It is a sad thing to watch someone you love decline but I am grateful that I have been here to visit with her and try to make her smile.

It looks to me that this next year will be one of changes. And I will have to adjust to the changes and realize that nothing stays the same forever.

She is a wonderful mom. I love her so much.

Keep on Truckin’

I think that was a popular phrase in the 70s. It fits for 2024. That is what I’m going to do. Just keep on going; one foot in front of the other. And smile with every other step. Not making resolutions but I am going to focus on laughing more and worrying less.

When I visit my 91 year old mom with dementia and she asks me, “Why is life so hard?’ I tell her “life is life, keeps on changing. There are hard times and good times and you’ve had a lot of good times!” And then I try to cheer her up with happy memories or photos on my phone of loved ones. I’ll say that to myself more often 😊

In some parts of the world, people are afraid of leaving their homes because there are missiles and bombs going off. In other places, people are laying on a beach and drinking from a coconut. I can’t explain anything in the world but, I can put one foot in front of the other and keep going forward into my future and look for the positives.

The Summer of 59

That’s how old I was this summer and still am! So how did the summer of 59 unfold? Well, it seems that all summers in Canada go by much too quickly. We blink and it’s over. But reflecting over the months including May, June, July and August, summer went exceptionally well. July is really the only summer month where I can swim and the water isn’t freezing and there are festivals and lots of activities going on. June is fishing season. August is cabin season.

We purchased a little boat in May and enjoyed time out on the lake this summer. We enjoyed fishing (not catching) or just going for rides. We did catch one fish that we cleaned, cooked and ate. Sweet! Rick was able to drive the boat which was very special because we don’t know what he’ll be able to do next summer.

Mom turned 91 on June 16th! Celebrated with cake and gifts. She is too frail for me to take out on my own so we celebrated in her room; just the two of us with family via facebook.

My highlight of the summer? Well, number one of course was my son, William’s wedding in July! That was absolutely amazing! Can’t believe I have a married kid 😍. And I love his wife; she’s a wonderful person! We traveled with little problems to Victoria BC for the wedding and stayed outside of Victoria in a little place called Sydney. It was so beautiful; I’m still dreaming of it. The wedding took place in the bride’s grandparents’ vineyard and the reception at their family cottage on the ocean. Stunning and amazing and I swam in the ocean. Wow. It was incredible.

In August, my cousin, David, and his wife Chris, came for a visit. Even though they don’t live that far away (5 hours) we don’t seem to see each other too often. . They were here the same week that my brother and brother-in-law were here, so we all had fun together. David wanted to visit mom, which we did. And he wanted to see the trapline cabin, which we did!

This summer was definitely a summer of reunions! Two of my school chums were in town. Sandy, was a school friend all the way from kindergarten to grade 12 and Lori was a friend in the early years and then disappeared when the Christian school was started in Red Lake and she was moved over to there. Her family later moved out of Red Lake and she eventually ended up married and living in the States. We all have fun memories and scary ones of our grade four teacher. (I’m in first row, middle, in purple suit)

I spent as much time as possible at the trapline cabin enjoying the land and everything around me. Sometimes I went alone with Zero or sometimes Rick came along. Looking forward to more times there this fall.

At the end of August was my yearly trek to my brother and brother-in-law’s cottage on Lake Shebandowin. It is a good six hour drive. Rick was not up to the trip this year so I went by myself with my grand-dog, Zero. We had a safe uneventful trip!

She remembers

She doesn’t remember what day today is

or what month or year it is

or how old she is

Yet there are still precious memories inside her.

She remembers the names of the boxers her father listened to on the radio.

She remembers the names of the singers she listened to when she was in the hospital.

She remembers the names of her father’s dogs for his dog sled team.

She remembers how the barges brought food to Red Lake weekly.

She remembers her first ride on an airplane.

She remembers the stories her Kookum told her.

She remembers setting a net with her father under the ice and how to do it.

She remembers sewing her own clothes as a young girl.

And she remembers her first language, Ojibwe Anishinapemowin

the journey

Today as I walked to work I passed young mothers who were walking their small children to school or seeing their child off to school from a safe distance away. How sweet and feeling so grateful to see that. Yesterday on my walk to work I stopped to chat with an ex-coworker for a bit and then later I met a friend on his walk. He is 87 years old. So nice to see. We were all on our own journeys. Our journeys are different yet sometimes we meet up on the way.

I’ve been journaling about my journey in life since I was 12 years old. That was when my sister bought me my first diary with a lock and key. And I found the magic of it. Just writing stuff down. Getting it out of my head. It’s risky. It could be scary. Someone could read it! But worth the risk for me. I continue to journal here on this blog and in my paper notebooks as well. Just because it feels good and it helps sort out my thoughts. I have a prayer journal and a gratitude journal.

From childhood to now, age 59, I’ve experienced a lot: childhood of fun times at the fish camp, single motherhood at age 20, marriage and divorce and remarriage, having twins, losing a child to suicide, caregiving for elderly parents and mom with Alzheimer’s, husband with Parkinson’s, working at a women’s crisis shelter, becoming a trapper, just to name a few. Who wouldn’t need to write to figure all of that out?

Life is a journey. And for me it is a spiritual one. Otherwise what is the purpose of all of this?

As I walked today, I thought about the journey of Jesus. It was actually a short one on earth; three years? He did a lot of walking. He didn’t do any writing? Others wrote about Him. His journey was written about from Genesis to Revelation. Just my random thoughts.

Wonder

I love children. They are cool little beings. I had four of my own, including twins. Now that I’m older but not a grandparent and my great niece and nephew are in their teens, I enjoy any opportunity that I get to watch the little cutie pies. Just watch from a distance, mind you, not actually “watch” as in babysit! 😉

Sometimes when I am sitting in my front yard, behind my fence, I hear some young people walk by talking with each other. I sometimes hear someone walk by as they are bouncing a basketball on their way home from the court. That reminds me of my basketball loving boy. Of course all little boys remind me of my boys and that can bring tears as now Ryan isn’t here anymore and the other boys have all grown up into men.

Recently I saw a young mother with twin baby boys at a Walmart store. I had to stop and chat and tell her that my twins are now 27 years old.

Kids are full of wonder. Everything is new to them. Every dream ahead of them. Everything is possible. Watching a child blow dandelion fluff from a flower or bubbles from a little bubble toy and seeing the joy and amazement it brings to their face, is happiness itself. Makes me smile. I once saw a boy riding on his bicycle carrying a fishing rod in one hand! I was driving and I almost drove off the road! No ,not really, but it was a beautiful sight. I love seeing the kids swimming down at the docks. We live in such a fantastic place for our young people to access nature in their back yards.

Brings a smile to my face and to my heart. Life goes on. The children have survived the pandemic. Children were born during the pandemic. Life goes on. And so appreciated. The children know how to do life. And Jesus loves children ❤

Grounded

What I mean by grounded is having your feet firmly beneath you. Not being grounded by your parents because you were out way too late and came home past curfew. And not that I’ve ever done that. I think I was grounded for a month one time but I can’t remember why.

These days I ground myself. I can feel when the ground is moving out from beneath me; when I am struggling to find something solid to stand on. Fear is the cause and it’s fear of things that are not real. Just in my head. So it is about switching those thoughts. And finding ground again.

The quickest way is to actually go out on the land. Feel the dirt. Feel the wind. Feel the water. Feel the mosquito bite 😉 It’s going to be okay. He is here with me.